Monday, 13 August 2007

Jack's 33 Favourite Simpsons Episodes.

1. Summer of 4 ft 2
A fantastic end to Season 7, and a nice summery feel good episode. The episode covers a lot of summer related topics which few TV programs seem to cover. I particularly liked Milhouse's impression of all the different sprinklers at the start and his enthusiasm for everything e.g “Oh boy! a carnival!” I also like the American Graffiti parodies and Homer's face when Bart gets “the dud” in Mystery Date and it looks like Milhouse. Lisa's friends have some funny lines; I really like the "I know where I can get some baggettes!" line. It's probably not a lot of peoples favourite episode but I really like this one.

Favourite Moment:

Milhouse: How did it go? Are we down with them?

Bart: No. They must have seen you!

2. Homer The Vigilante

I laughed so much when I first watched this one. The line “So I said to him, "Look, buddy, your car was upside down when we got here. And as for your Grandma, she shouldn't have mouthed off like that!" is pure gold. It's a bit of surreal episode, what with the It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World parody at the end and I'm happy to see an episode with a lot of Grandpa in it. There's not a bad word I can say about this episode. I think this is Jimbo's finest hour.

Favourite Moment:

Homer: You better have a good reason for doing that, boy.

Jimbo: It makes me feel like a big man.
Homer: Let me check my reason list. ...Yep! It's on here.
Jimbo: Hey! You're that drunken posse. Wow...can I join ya?
Homer: [skeptical] I don't know...can you swing a sack of door knobs?
Jimbo: Can I?
Homer: You're in! Here's the sack.
Moe: But you gotta supply your own knobs.

3. Last Exit To Springfield

I've heard a lot of people call this their favourite episode and I think it's probably because so much happens in it. When I watch it I usually think to myself "oh, that's where that scene's from" the writers really put a lot in to this one. I've always enjoyed the mad dentist's performance and the pre-dated stainless steal braces he gives Lisa. Homer's great as always and I think this is the best Burns centred episode, if only for his "Smithers, I'm beginning to think that Homer Simpsons is not the brilliant tactician I thought he was" line, after Homer does his Three Stooges impression.

Favourite Moment:
Burns: We don't have to be adversaries, Homer. We both want a fair union contract.

Homer: [thinking] Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me?
Burns: And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.
Homer: [thinking] Wait a minute. Is he coming onto me?
Burns: I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm?
Homer: [thinking] My God! He coming onto me!
Burns: After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows. [chuckle] [wink]
Homer: [thinking] Aaaaaagh! [aloud] Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure, I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no!

4. Radio Bart

Favourite Moment:
Bart: [over the radio] Rod! Todd! This is God!

Rod: How did you get on the radio?
Bart: Whaddya mean, how did I get on the radio? I created the universe! Stupid kid.
Todd+Rod: [fall to their knees and clasp their hands]
Todd: Forgive my brother. We believe you.
Bart: Talk is cheap. Perhaps I'll test a guy's faith. Walk through the wall! I will remove it for you.
Rod: [walks into the wall] [thud]

5. Bart On The Road

Favourite Moment:
On the road, we meet a man traveling in a station wagon with his
family. He has had about all he can take from his rowdy kids.
"If you kids can't keep your hands to yourselves," he yells, "I'm
gonna turn this car around, and there'll be no Cape Canaveral for
anybody!" The kids instantly quiet down, but Bart's car travels by,
and Nelson, seeing that the window is open, slaps the man on the
head. "That's it!" he yells. "Back to Winnipeg!"

6. Mr. Plow

Favourite Moment:
Agent: Now, before I give you the check, one more question. This place
``Moe's'' you left just before the accident. This is a business of some kind?
Homer: [thinks] Don't tell him you were at a bar! Gasp! But what else is open at night?
[aloud] It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography.
[thinks] Heh heh heh. I would'a never thought of that.

7. Lisa's Substitute

Favourite Moment:
Homer: Hey, just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!

8. Lemon Of Troy

Favourite Moment:
Homer2: [chuckles] Don't you get it, Springfield? It's over. You lose!

Now if you'll excuse me, all this talk has made me hungry.
[bites into a lemon; his face contorts at the bitterness]

9. Duffless

Favourite Moment:
Guide: What does the future hold for us? Heh. Let's just say we have a few ideas up our sleeve.
Homer: Like what?
Guide: Um, I'd rather not get into it right now.
Homer: Why not?
Guide: All right, we don't have any ideas for the future. We gotnothing. Happy?
Homer: [whiny] No.

10. Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie

Favourite Moment:
Homer: You know, when I was a boy, I really wanted a catcher's mitt,
but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until
I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table.
[cheerily] The doctor thought I might have brain damage.
Bart: Dad, what's the point of this story?
Homer: [cheerily] I like stories.

11. A Star Is Burns

Favourite Moment:
Audience: Boo! Boo!

Burns: Smithers...are they booing me?
Smithers: Uh, no, they're saying "Boo-urns! Boo-urns!"
Burns: Are you saying "boo" or "Boo-urns"?
Audience: Boo! Boo!
Hans: I was saying "Boo-urns"...

12. Darkness Of Bart

13. Homer The Heretic

Favourite Moment:
Homer: And what if we picked the wrong religion? Every week, we're just making God madder and madder!

14. I Love Lisa

Favourite Moment:
Ralph: My parents won't let me use scissors.

Class: [giggles and snickers]
Ms. Hoover: The children are right to laugh, Ralph. These scissors couldn't cut butter. [demonstrates on her arm]

15. Cape Feare

Favourite Moment:
On the TV...

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, it's "Up Late with McBain". I'm your
announcer, Corporal Obergruppenfuehrer Wolfcastle. And heeere's McBain!
McBain: Ja, thank you, ja, that's nice. Let's say hello to my music guy, Skoey. [Skoey bows]
That is some outfit, Skoey. It makes you look like a homosexual.
[Audience boos]
Whoa, maybe you all are homosexuals too!
[Audience boos]

16. Homer At The Bat

Favourite Moment:
Smithers: [whispers in Jose Canseco's ear]
Jose: I get $50,000 to play one game?
Smithers: That's right, Mr. Canseco.
Jose: Well, it's a pay cut, but what the hey. It sounds like fun.

17. The Way We Was

Favourite Moment:
Marge: Homer J. Simpson, I never want to see you again!

Marge slams the door and Homer sits there taping his fingers and moving his eyes from side to side. He then picks up the phone and dials.

Homer: Hey Barney! Guess who's got a date for the prom!

18. 22 Short Films About Springfield

Favourite Moment:
Lovejoy: C'mon boy, this is the spot, right here. That's a good boy, do your dirty sinful business.
Ned: Well, howdy, Reverend Lovejoy. Nice to see you there ... on my lawn ... with your dog.
Lovejoy: Oh, oh, ooh, bad dog! Look at that, right on Ned's lawn. Now how could you do such a thing? [quietly to the dog] Good boy, don't stop now. Bad dog, I condemn you to Hell.
Ned: Better get the old snow shovel back from Homer, eh? [leaves]
Lovejoy: [to dog] Good boy, don't stop the music.

19. Homer's Enemy

Favourite Moment:
Lisa: Can I go downstairs and see what Dad's doing?
Marge: I wouldn't bother him, honey. He's making some sort of model for a contest. He says it's really high-tech stuff that we wouldn't understand.
Homer: [opens basement door] Marge, do we have any elbow macaroni and glue-on sparkles?

20. Homer's Barbershop Quartet

Favourite Moment:
Moe: Hey, Barney! What'll it be?

Barney: I'd like a beer, Moe!
Yoko: I'd like a single plum floating in perfume served in a man's hat.
Moe: [reaching under bar] Here you go.

21. Lisa's Sax

Favourite Moment:
Skinner: Now, I want you to knock off that potty talk right now!
Bart: [laughs] The principal said potty!
The kids watching laugh. Skinner shudders in frustration.
Skinner: You listen to me, son. You've just started school, and the path you choose now may be the one you follow for the rest of your life! Now, what do you say?
[Bart looks at Skinner, then Jimbo. It's his moment of truth.]
Bart: Eat my shorts.
Skinner: All right, I'll your shorts?!
Bart: Yeah, eat my shorts! [singing to "Batman" theme] Buttman! Na na na na na na na na, Buttman!
"Buttman?!" Principal Skinner exclaims before dragging Bart off.

22. Marge vs the Monorail

Favourite Moment:
Bart: True or false? You can get mono from riding the monorail.

Homer: False! Oh, no wait, it might be true.
Bart: [Proudly] No, it's true.

23. Homer's Phobia

Favourite Moment:
Homer: Bart, I want you to shake hands with...what's your name?
Man: Rosco.
Homer: Rosco here runs this mill, he's going to show us round and let you have a look at good ol' American joes doing what they do best.
Bart: Why the hell would I want to see that?
Homer: [lifts hand to his mouth] You'll thank me on your wedding night.
Rosco: Hey, listen up,I want all of you to say hellos to the simpsons.
Workers: [Camp] Hello!
Homer: Has the whole world gone insane!
Worker 1: Stand still there's a spark in your hair!
Worker 2: Get it, get it!
Worker 3: Hot stuff coming through.
Bart: Dad, why did you bring me to a gay steel mill?
Homer: I don't know! This is a nightmare! You're all sick!
Worker 4: Oh, be nice!
Homer: Oh, my son doesn't stand a change; the whole worlds gone gay!
[Horn sounds]
Homer: Oh God, what's happening now!
Rosco: We work hard, we play hard!
A disco ball drops down and Gonna make you sweat (everybody dance now) plays.

24. Stark Raving Dad

Favourite Moment:
Hello, you have reached the New Bedlam ``Wrongly Committed'' Hot-line.

All of our operators are currently busy. Please stand by. Play's Patsy Cline's Crazy.
[Marge sobs]

25. Two Bad Neighbors

Favourite Moment:
Bart: Hello Mr. Bush!

26. Homer Loves Flanders

27. Favourite Moment:
Homer: [gasps] Duck! I can't let the boys see me with you!

Ned: What?
Homer: [grunts, pushes Ned down] Hi!
Lenny: Hey! Look, Homer's got one of those robot cars! [the car crashes]
Carl: One of those _American_ robot cars.

28. Krusty Gets Kancelled

Favourite Moment:
Krusty: I've had plenty of guys come after me, and I've buried them all. Sea Captain. Joey Bishop.

Pennycandy: Don't forget the Special Olympics.
Krusty: [wistfully] Oh, yeah... I slaughtered the Special Olympics!

29. Bart's Comet

Favourite Moment:
Quimby: Now, here's what we think the impact might look like. Show

them, Jerry.
[first slide shows arrows pointing to "Springfield" and the
[second slide shows collision of two and an arrow pointing to
Moe: Oh, dear God, no!
[third slide shows smoking crater with arrows pointing to
"Charred Bodies"]
Quimby: Fortunately we have a plan: Professor Frink?
Frink: Nn-hey, good evening, ladies and --
Man: [hysterical] Quit stalling! What's the plan?
Frink: All right, just take your seat, just take your seat.
[pulls a sheet off a model of the city]
Now, working with former Carter Administration officials and
military men who were forced into early retirement for various
reasons which we won't go into here, nn-hey, we have planned
this defense for the city: [flicks a switch] as the comet
hurtles towards the city, our rocket will intercept it and blow
it to smithereens.
[little models of the comet and rocket demonstrate]
[the comet explodes and catches "Moe's" on fire]
Moe: Oh, dear God, no!

30. Itchy & Scratchy Land

Favourite Moment:
Bart: Look at all this great stuff, Lis!

[finds vanity license plate rack]
Cool...personalized plates! "Barclay"..."Barry"..."Bert"...
"Bort"? Aw, come on. "Bort"?
Child: Mommy, mommy! Buy me a license plate.
Mother: No. Come along, Bort.
Man: Are you talking to me?
Mother: No, my son is also named Bort.

31. Boy-Scoutz N The Hood

Favourite Moment:
Homer: Water, water, everywhere, so let's all have a drink.

32. Lisa the Iconoclast

Favourite Moment:
Comic book guy: Question: is your name Ridley Scott or James Cameron?
Homer: No, it's Homer.
Comic book guy: Then I would thank you to stop peering at my screenplay, _Homer_. And if I see a movie where computers threaten our personal liberties, I will know you have stolen my idea.
Homer: But I'm just waiting for my kid. [thinking] Mental note -- steal his idea.

33. Lisa's First Word

Favourite Moment:
Marge: I'm afraid we're going to need a bigger house.

Homer: No, we won't. I've got it all figured out. The baby can have
Bart's crib and Bart'll sleep with us until he's 21.
Marge: Won't that warp him?
Homer: My cousin Frank did it.
Marge: You don't have a cousin Frank.
Homer: He became Francine back in '76. Then he joined that cult. I
think her name is Mother Shabubu now.

25 Jul 2007

Here it is:

1. The Simpsons 1989 – Current
I grew up watching The Simpsons; I remember watching it long before I started school. Back then I don't think I realised it was a comedy, I think I just enjoyed the stories and bright colours. I must have watched every episode in season 1 to 8 over 50 times - at least (actually, that's a lot of Simpsons, it's a lot anyway). They never get old; in fact every time I watch a Simpsons episode I find something I've never noticed before, I get a reference I might not have picked up before. Although the new episodes aren't great and they've resorted to lots of slap stick and poor satire that they've just thrown in for the sake of it, seasons 1 to 9 are some of the best TV ever made.

2. Seinfeld 1989 – 1998
The first episode I watched was "The Contest", often seen as the best episodes of the show and I didn't immediately take to it. It looks dated, as it should - it's as old as me! But I gave it time and I ended up buying the season 1, 2 and 3 box-set. As I watched the seasons through in order, I began to really love the show and I ended up going out and buying all the seasons on DVD. Seinfeld is the ultimate sitcom; nothing comes close to the ground Seinfeld covers, in fact I constantly find myself saying "oh, that's on episode of seinfeld" and of course, no one cares. It's inspired so much that came after it, more so than a lot of people realise and I'm sure anyone who's watched a lot of episodes will agree. Like The Simpsons, you can watch Seinfeld again and again and it only improves with multiple viewings.

3. Curb Your Enthusiasm 2000 – Current
Larry David's follow up to Seinfeld: Curb Your Enthusiasm, covers everything Seinfeld couldn't. Because Curb aired on HBO it opened a whole new door, allowing Larry to do exactly what he wanted. I don't think I'll even bother sating how good this program is; it just is. Watch it, it's currently the best thing on TV (well it will be when it returns this year) and it's probably the best sitcom...ever! With the exception of Seinfeld. I guess I just did some stating there.

4. The Day Today 1994 – 1994
One of the best British comedies to exist and it gave us Partridge. The brilliance of Armando Iannucci and Chris Morris, a perfect satire of news programs and perhaps the most quotable show ever. You'd think it would age but it's still very much an accurate portrayal of the news.

5. I'm Alan Partridge 1997 – Unknown
Easily one of the best shows created. Once again Armando Iannucci's brilliance combined with Coogan's brilliant comic acting and writing. It's a show I've watched hundreds of times and I still find it hilarious. Plus, Partridge is one of the greatest characters in comedy.

6. The Adam & Joe Show 1996 – 2001
The ultimate pop culture comedy show. The Adam & Joe DVD is the one of the finest DVDs I've watched and everything on it is fantastic. Hilarious through and through and one of the best shows of the 90's.

7. Monty Python's Flying Circus 1969 – 1974
Simply the best sketch show ever made. Even when it's not funny (which it very rarely isn't) it's inventive. Clearly one of the most influential and surreal shows ever made and the humour never gets old.

8. The Larry Sanders Show 1992 – 1998
It's the holidays, it's 2:00 am, I've got a pint of Lidl chocolate milk and it's time for Larry Sanders on ITV 4! I wont bang on about it but this is one of the best sitcoms ever made, The Office is forever in it's debt, it's fantastic, Hank Kingsley is fantastic! Like Seinfeld you need to watch it from the start, it's all about character development but a few episodes in you'll grow to love it.

9. The Sopranos 1999 – 2007
The finest TV drama of all time, it's such a gripping show. It makes ITV dramas look Doctors! Although, they're already a lot like Doctors. That's a good show: Doctors.

10. Louis Theroux's Weird Weekends 1999 – Current
Perhaps I placed this too high but it's such an interesting and funny program. I think Louis Theroux's interview technique is brilliant and he seems like a genuine, funny and smart guy. Weird Weekends is a program I never tire of.

11. The Office (UK) 2001 – 2002
The best British sitcom of the last decade. It owes a lot to other shows, namely Larry Sanders, Curb and The Simpsons according to Gervais but it's hardly a rip off. It's a greatly original show that never really dips in quality, the cast are one of the finest in sitcom history and every episode has me in stitches. I also feel proud to be one of the few people who watched this when it first aired, well not really proud.

12. The Wonder Years 1988 – 1993
Such a lovely program, it's just lovely. I've been fighting back the tears before, after watching episodes of this. It's sometimes a bit too sentimental but it tackles the subjects it talks about so well. I always remember the episode where Kevin learns to play the piano and he's gifted but there's someone who plays better than him, so he gives it up and at the end it's got him outside listening to this guy play the piano and his future himself (if that makes sense) says "funny thing is, I can't remember how to play cannon in D major" I was almost in tears. Kevin's a small boy by the way, if that helps add to the sadness. Go watch this, I want to talk to someone about how sad it is, the episodes called "Coda."

13. Brass Eye 1997 and a 2001 Special
A news night version of The Day Today; one of the best satires to exist. Simply hilarious and apparently very offensive to complete twats.

14. The Wire 2002 – Current
Currently the best drama on TV and heir to the Sopranos.

15. Charlie Brooker's Screenwipe 2006 – Current
Just about the best British show currently on TV. I urge everyone to watch this, if you like satire you'll love this. Brooker can seem a little full on at first but he comes up with some hilarious stuff. If you want this, I'll happily give you a DVD of it, just PM me.

16. Arrested Development 2003 – 2006
A funny, intelligent sitcom that develops beautifully throughout the seasons. Three of the best seasons of anything you can buy on DVD. The humour at times is a little 'zany' but it's a great show that deserves a place on TV a lot more crap like My Family. You'll fall in love with all the characters, it's just a show you can just watch and watch.

17. South Park 1997 – Current
Sometimes I feel South Park goes too far and it goes down the shock humour route, using cheap gags. It also encourages twats to insult Jews and use that word, you know the one? The one with the N. But it's a great show that I've followed since year 5 when Ben Ralph and myself were involved in a "South Park V Rugrats" discussion, where are fellow classmates taunted us for liking South Park, despite never actually seeing it. Within days they were hooked.

18. The Phil Silvers Show 1955 – 1959
Also know as Sgt. Bilko, The Phil Silvers Show wrote the blue print for a lot of US comedy and although it's clearly dated, the humour isn't. If you like Top Cat you'll like Bilko.

19. Peep Show 2003 – Current
One of the best shows around. It dipped in series 3 and 4 but it's still a fantastic show. I'm afraid it's been adopted by absolute twats and now everyone claims to love it but I can live with that, it's a great show. The characters are likable and it's infectiously quotable.

20. Mr. Show 1995 – 1998
Much in the style of Monty Python's Flying Circus, Mr. Show stars comedians David Cross and Bob Odenkirk in a series of sketches that vary from hilarious to just very surreal but the funny bits are very funny and the show flows beautifully between each sketch, it's a shame more sketch shows aren't this inventive.

21. The Honeymooners 1955 – 1956
I don't actually find The Honeymooners that funny and it's dated - more so than Bilko, but it's compulsive viewing that has the odd laugh here and there.

22. The Armando Iannucci Shows 2001 – 2001
A hugely inventive show by one of my favourite writers. I tried showing this to people and I don't think they liked it. There's a lot of building of jokes and it gets lost on people if they don't follow the jokes. I know, it probably doesn't seem like that when you watch it on your own. It's a fantastic show and I've watched it many times since I bought the DVD.

23. Garth Marenghi's Darkplace 2004 – 2004
A brilliant parody of 1980s TV shows with a great cast. Worth buying on DVD, you'll be in stitches. I recommend listening to the commentary as well because I found it to be just as funny as the actual show.

24. The Thick Of It 2005 – Current
Another Armando Iannucci classic. A fly on the wall style that satires the inner workings of British government. A fantastic cast and hilarious writing from Iannucci.

25. It's Garry Shandling's Show 1986 – Unkown
A breaking the fourth wall sitcom with comedian Garry Shandling. It not up there with Sandling's later success, The Larry Sanders Show but it's still a great show.

26. Father Ted 1995 – 1998
A consistently hilarious sitcom that I'm sure will never age due it's already archaic setting and characters. One of the best sitcoms ever made.

27. Look Around You 2002 – 2005
A parody of 1980's learning programs executed with pinpoint accuracy. Both series are brilliant in their own right despite being completely different.

28. 15 Storeys High 2002 – 2003
An incredily slow paced sitcom playing on the Seinfeld idea of a sitcom about nothing. Likable characters and very funny indeed.

29. Futurama 1999 – 2003
Forever in the shadow of The Simpsons although it's ten times better than The Simpsons are currently. One of the best cartoons around; due to make it's return next year.

30. The Mighty Boosh 2004 – Present
It's liked by absolute morons with a "random" sense of humour but it's a good show with a lot of originality.

31. Malcolm In The Middle 2000 – 2006
I'm not sure if Malcom In The Middle's that great but I really enjoy watching it. Sometimes it seems too predictable but other times it feels really well written. I remember watching the first episode round someones house when it first came on Sky 1 around 2000 and I thought it was pretty good.

32. Nevermind The Buzzcocks 1996 – Current
Great panel show that's remained consistent through the years.

33. Big Train 1998 – 2002
Excellent sketch show that varies in quality but most of it hits the spot.

34. Spaced 1999 – 2001
A great sitcom that actually develops over the series.

35. I Love Lucy 1957 – 1951
One of the all time great sitcoms. Like Bilko and The Honeymooners it's dated but it's still great to watch.

36. Faulty Towers 1975 – 1979
One of the shortest and yet brilliant sitcoms ever made.

37. King Of The Hill 1975 – Current
Very subtle but effective use of humour.

38. Arthur 1996 – 2007
The happiest show ever.

39. Phoenix Nights 2002 – Current
I have a love hate relationship with Pheonix Nights but it's a nice sitcom.

40. Charlie Brown 1963 – Unknown
Mainly for the Christmas special, it's lovely.

41. Marion and Geoff 2000 – 2003
Simplisic yet brilliant.

42. Coogans Run 1995 – 1996
Loads of laughs and loads of hilarious characters.

43. People Like Us 1995 – 1997
Great show, nice theme tune. (Sorry I couldn't think of anything good to say, but it's good trust me)

44. Deadwood 2004 – 2006
Cowboy masturbation.

45. The Littlest Hobo 1963 – 1965
The theme tune alone brings tears to my eyes.

46. The Old Grey Whistle Test 1971 – 1987
Better than Jools Holland, great fun to watch. Great bands.

47. Ripping Yarns 1977 – 1979
More brilliance from former Pythons Jones and Palin.

48. Trigger Happy TV 2000 – 2002
I've heard people (Internet people, so not real people) express a dislike for Trigger Happy TV but it's good and very funny, at times. Sadly it gave way to a lot of shit programs, like Balls of Steel - seriously it's shit, please everyone boycott this.

49. Later With Jools Holland 1992 – Current
I think it was Nick that said "I like Later With Jools Holland but I wish it could be on early with a different presenter" that's essentially how I feel about it too.

50. Incredible Games 1994 – 1995
Technically an awful show but there's a lot of nostalgia surrounding this flawed classic.

Shows that didn't make the cut:
Neighbours: So many years of laughter but Sky really annoys me these days.
Hollyoaks: It's just so bad, they pick and choose strorylines and things are constantly left unexplained, yet I still watch it.
UBOS: It's just Harry Potter for cool kids.
Cheers: It's fun but I don't love it.
Ed: Ed's lovely but some of his friends are dicks.
Frasier: That nanny, I wont say her name but you know the one.
M*A*S*H: Dull at times.
Taxi: I like this, just not a lot.
Big Brother: This annoys me a lot but once again, I still watch it.
Babecast: I love watching girls hump the ground as much as the next guy but it's not a favourite of mine.

22 Jul 2007

Lately I've been experiencing bad stomach pains after eating the insides of can labeled: "Stag Dynamite Chili." My God, that was hot, it took me 2 hours to eat and 9 pints of water. Most people would have thrown it away but not me, I'd cooked it, and considering the starving African children I made myself eat it all. See, I did it for them, those dieing kids who'd no doubt love a bowl of dynamite chili. My mother came home to find me collapsed on the floor, with what looked like tears streaming from eyes. I spent most of the night clenching my stomach in pain whilst watching various treats on ITV 4, my new favourite channel. I don't even like chili very much.

The Clunes-Milking-Cow Incident 24 & 30
So, imagine going on holiday and setting up your tent in any ol' field, because that's exactly what Martin Clunes and Fay Ripley have done. With absolutely no respect for the poor farmer who owns the field, they think, because they're big TESCO celebrities, that gives them the right to pitch their tent in a farmers field. Why Clunes and Ripley are sharing a tent, I just don't know. Last I heard they were both happily married but that not what bothers me. If pitching a tent in a farmers field isn't bad enough, Clunes decides to go milk one of his cows, probably in protest! "I'm going to find a cow" says Clunes as he heads down the hill to torment a cow. Luckily he spots a TESCOs before he harasses the poor beast and he ops for a more dignified way of getting his milk. If you notice, Clunes is still wearing his pajamas, thus looking like a mad man. He strolls into Tesco's takes milk off the shelf and heads back, no doubt to impress Ripley with his masculine cow milking skills. He pours the semi-skimmed milk into a sauce pan and hands it to Ripley. She takes a sip and remarks on who delightfully chilled it is, much to Clunes' disgust - he probably pissed in it. So many things are wrong with this advert, it just doesn't make sense. Why are Martin Clunes and Fay Ripley sleeping in a tent together? Why does Clunes walk into Tesco's in his pajamas? Why have they chosen to camp in a farmer's field when there are designated camping spots? And what gives Clunes the right to milk an innocent creature that isn't his? Errr Martin, I don't think you can do that, that cow doesn't belong to you, sort yourself out man, you're a mess. You too Ripley.

Does Calvin Harris Get All The Girls?
So, does Calvin Harris get all the girls or is he just a big fat lair? I consulted the song for the answer and believe it or not, it's true. But I thought I'd do some snooping into Harris' love life and find out if he's a ladies man or just a bragging cock. Well, he claims to like them Asian girls; he claims to like those black girls; he even claims to like them carrying a little-biddy-weight girls, but how much do we now about this Calvin 'Beetroot' Harris? Harris studied at Hortley school for the death, dumb and blind. He excelled at medicine and wood-work but he struggled in his lovemaking and necking classes. Girls took an instant dislike to Harris, he looked like James Blunt on acid with a carbon rod shoved firmly up his arse; Harris turned to music for help. Unfortunately Harris suffered from a condition know as Wankeristis which prevented him for having any musical talent whatsoever. One night Harris wrote a song called "The Girls" a song bragging about his success with women, the next day he played it to Sandra Brownstone, a girl carrying a little-biddy-weight, girl. She was instantly attracted to Calvin's teaspoon face and the two agreed to partake in intercourse. Weeks later Sandra sold her story to Zoo who printed the headline "Calvin Harris used a dead Chinese man in our love making." Of course, the story was true and attention of the article propelled Harris to the top of the charts, cushioned nicely in between Natasha 'lips-that-somehow-detach-from-her-face-when-she-speaks' Bedingfield and DJ 'Flip-Mole' Sammy, Harris was thrilled. In conclusion, Harris does not get all the girls, he's a liar. That sort of crap might have been acceptable in the 80's but not here, Harris. Up yours.

Calvin Harris: Getting a girl.
Does this man look like he gets all the girls?

Calvin Harris - The Girls

Jack's top five Tim's car tunes: Part 1.
1. Love Me For A Reason - The Boy's Zone.
Back in 1994, music was at an all time low; nothing had happened for several years and then Louis Walsh, a man constantly living in the shadow of Ian Brady, formed an Irish version of Take That, because of course, Irish + Take That = Better than Take That. Boyzone were a band consisting of four incoherent beasts and one gay: Ronan Keating, a man so tormented by his own genius, he feels the need to clamp his balls in a vice; Stephen Gately, half foetus, half haircut and a man so hounded by women he told the British public he was gay, just to keep them away; Keith Duffy, a man who can only communicate by grinding his teeth together and smiling like an Irish Jack Nicholson; Shane Lynch, a man who should have been Lynched along time ago for being the world biggest twat, he's just such a smug women beating prick, and the other one, what's his name? Mikey Graham, the one who wasn't a pervert, twat, gay or teeth grinding knob. "Love Me For A Reason" was the boy's first hit and it manged to reach number 2 back in 1994. The song was originally an Osmonds hit but Boyzone's version was a little bit different; a little bit shit said critics at the time, but the song's stood the test of time. It's an emotional ballad with overproduced hip hop drums and about a million key changes, just as the song starts to sound shit, bang! G flat! and another one G major! One more for good luck, Bang! I remember watching The Zone perform this on top of the pops all those years ago, I remember Duffy standing a bit too close to one of those candles and there was this weird chaffing sound coming from Gately's nuts. Boyzone never really topped this one and I enjoy nothing more than cruising around Nailsea at night; throwing yogurts at road signs whilst The Zone blasts out of the distorted MicraS speakers. Boys, I salute you on this pop gem.

Lynch Me.
Just where those candles burns, that's where I want to go.

More Tim's car songs next blog!

DVD Recommendation Of The Week: Euro Trip
Critics slated Euro Trip for it's lowbrow humour and awful script but their opinions doesn't matter, Euro Trip is great! Euro Trip took 3 men to direct, it's that good!! And it's got loadsa boobs to look at and stuff. The DVD only helps add to the viewing experience with extras such as "Eurotrash" and the fantastic "Boob-Cam." I suggest you watch with low hopes because you won't be disappointed. 8/10

Transformers Review: It's about as good as a movie about Robots that change into cars can be.
Last night I watched Transformers in the cinema. Obviously, I didn't go in with high hopes, although a lot of reviews I've just read seem to suggest people go into this film believing a movie called 'Transformers' could possibly my the greatest film ever made, as if the makers of the film have missed the point completely. These people are morons. It's about as good as a movie about Robots that change into cars can be. I wasn't expecting much but it was decent enough and I was impressed with Shia LeBouf; I thought he gave a good performance. The overly-long fight at the end was tedious but the film as a whole wasn't bad. I'm not sure what people were expecting when they went to see a film called 'Transformers' but I went in with low hopes and I thought it was alright, even under the direction of Michael Bay, who's just the biggest knob.

Megan Fox demonstrating some fine acting here.

I felt the films divided into two sections, the teen movie part at the start and a big long Michael Bay fight scene at the end. The teen movie part is about a guy called Sam (Shia LeBouf) who buys a car that happens to a be camp transformer called Bumblebee, bare with me. He meets a popular girl from school who suffers for a rare disorder, branding her personality completely obsolete. Despite that, she remains quite likable all the way through through the film, possibly because she runs around wearing low cut tops and avoiding explosions. There are loads of cheesy lines in the film like "fifty years from now, when you're looking back at you life, don't you want to be able to say you had the guts to get in the car?" Which is a line I regularly use with girls, I don't get much success with it though. I wont bother explaining the rest of the plot to you because it's tedious to explain but the last 20 minutes or so is just one big long fight scene.

I think Transformers was a decent film, I was wondering how they were going to tackle the subject of robots that change into cars but they did it as well as one could. It was perhaps a bit too long, it could of done with out the fight scene and Michael Bay's ridiculous direction but nevertheless, a decent effort.


Cinema Guy: "Whey Ave it!"
As the film started, a guy behind me happened to laugh at everything in the adverts. I was sat on the second from back row on the second seat closest to the wall. We sat through trailers for 'Superbad' which had Michael Cera, who plays George Michael Bluth from 'Arrested Development' in it. For an American Pie-esque teen movie, the film didn't look too bad and I think Michael Cera is a great comedy actor, if only for his role in 'Arrested Development'. Of course the guy behind me found the trailer hilarious. Then 'The Simpsons Movie' trailer came on, instantly I heard "Oh yes! I love The Simpsons" as if it were some obscure cartoon only himself and a handful of people knew about. He quoted the whole trailer and loudly quoted the spiderpig gag, which looks absolutely abysmal. As the film started he couldn't happen to pick up on everything, "she's hot" "mmm I'd tap that" "whey, ave it!" He was a fucking moron. After the film had finished he felt the need to sing along to the Linkin Park song in the credits - very loudly. I immediately turned around to see this buffoon, who was this giant knob? He looked just like I thought he would, much like a twat. He resembled a penis that had been run through a blender on the mutilate setting, then dunked in a bowl full of Dave Benson-Philips get your own back gunge. I decided to show him by snidely saying to Tim "what a terrible, God-awful song, this is embarrassingly bad" he shut up but what I said was lost on Tim, who said "ohmhom, huh?" Still, he walked out feeling less of a man than he did going in.

All in all, a giant twat. I'd give him a 9/10 for annoyance.


People On Myspace
I'm a little annoyed at the amount of people adding me on Myspace. Don't get me wrong anyone can add me, I'm happy to talk but when people add me, I leave a message and they don't get back to me, it's bloody annoying, and I don't want bands adding me. People who share similar interests with never add me, it's always complete morons with no personalities; just hair cuts. You know the ones, the profile with the pink writing, it's pretty illegible but if you highlight the text you can see they don't have any music preferences, they don't watch TV, they don't like films (But for some reason like going to the cinema) but they love to party. This is not my sort of person, we wouldn't be able to have a conversation, it would be awkward. The boys pages are pretty similar but instead of Pink illegible writing, they have blue illegible writing. Myspace gives people too much freedom with their pages, it means when you click home it sends you to some shit ad site and they've brutally shuffled their page so it's impossible to read. What do these people do? "Okay, almost done, how about shrinking the text a bit, adding in this thing stating I'm most like the joker in the batman films and one last finishing touch, disabling the home link and sending it to some ridiculous site." Do they think that looks good? The best myspace pages are the simple ones, where it's possible to read what the person's interests are, or at least be able to navigate around the page. I think most myspacers must just click pictures and decide if they'll be socially compatible.

Although I get a lot of requests from people like this I get a hell of a lot more from shit bands. Sometimes they're pretty good, I say pretty good because I'm yet to hear one I actually like. Perhaps I'm being to critical but why are bands adding people? Isn't it best to build a fan base out of people who like you rather than add people who like Radiohead because you sound a bit like them? In fact you sound just like Radiohead if they were playing Westlife songs.

Another huge myspace knob are the emotion people. I don't mean emo, I refuse to acknowledge the existence of 'Emo'. I mean the people who are completely self-obsessed wankers. The ones who post their thoughts and feelings in bulletin messages saying things like, "Sometimes, you just know it'll work, sometimes, it's not so easy" fuck off! That's nonsensical crap which means nothing to anyone apart from your avaricious self. It's not poetic, it's crap. These people clearly think they're morally and intellectually superior to the people who read their messages; they aren't.

Last but not least, people like myself. Constantly complaining about how shit myspace is, but they still use it. I'm pretty much the worst kind of myspace dick because I don't like many people. In fact I recon I like about 6% of people on the planet, everyone else likes Two Pints of Larger and a Packet of Crisps. Yeah, so I'm the last myspace knob, what a brilliant ending, you weren't expecting that were you? I'm so precarious, I'm almost on a par with the emotional myspace dick!

People Who Complain About Weather....
When the weather possesses no threat to your health or lifestyle (as such), then there's not need to complain about weather. Being soaked to through to your skin wont hurt you; rain's happened since the dawning of time. We live in a country where most days are overcast, accept, that's how it works. When your burning to a crisp and your skin is peeling, when you've got nothing to drink and when there's no shelter to shade you. When your house is flooding, when the thermometer hits deep into the minus scale, perhaps that would be a good time to complain, but for dullards who complain about weather that possesses no threat: Don't, it's just weather.

I'm Not There
A clip from the Dylan biopic "I'm Not There," soon to be released featuring Cate Blanchett as Dylan and David Cross as Alan Ginsberg.

Thanks for reading, I'll leave you with this.
Everytime I post a blog I get loads of ad request like this:

Who says "You know you wanna smack dat booty :D" It's true I do, but we can't be friends, sorry.

Thanks again.

16 Jul 2007

Die Hard 4.0 Review.

McLean: A man so hard you could set your watch to him.
Die Hard 4.0 had it all: Action, explosions, chicks, breast fondling and guns! Die Hard is situated around hero John McClane, a man with exceptionally well endowed balls! In fact his balls are so big he can take on just about anything the bad guys throw at him. In Die Hard 4.0 he's joined by his daughter Lucy and lovable computer nerd Matt Farrell.

The film starts with a steamy make out sesh between a young lady and some young stud. He gets a little carried away and the camera invites us to watch her breast being fondled. "Hey, I said no!" she states but he goes back in for more! Then the door swings open and it's McClane! "Hey buddy, she said no" he shouts as he stares into the eyes of the young fondler. "Dad, what are you doing here!" says the girl. In shock the stud replies, "I thought your Dad was dead!" "you told him I was dead?" says McClane. The girl, who we now know is called Lucy McClane, gets out the car and tells them both to leave her alone. The scene ends with the classic line "chicks, hey?" executed by the stud. In a three stooges-esque manner, McClane gives him one last stare before getting a call on his police radio. Then bang it's action from then on.

Lucy after the fondel.
I better explain the plot. Basically this guy Matt's a hacker and the baddies are terrorists who use technology to control pretty much everything. I can't be botherd to explain the plot in detail because I desperately want to review the action! 'Cus that's what we like aint it? Action.

One of the best scenes is when McClane finally meets his match, a small Asian women in a cat suit. Man she's fast, and strong! McClane keeps destroying her but she keeps bouncing back. Finally he runs her down in a car (he's driving in doors! MY GOD I LOVE THIS MAN!) and she falls down the lift (elevator) shaft. But Christ, she emerges looking slightly disheveled and it takes Matt's help to finally watch her fall into the abyss of that shaft.

The most action packt scene of the film had to be the scene where McClane had gun to his chest. Lucy's being held and Matt's being made to do some sort of computer based activity, possibly rebooting windows. And I was all like, "oh no! McClane's going to die! He's Going to die" and then from no where comes "how about yippie-ki-yay motherfucker!" WOOOW! He said it, yes! I didn't think he was going to say it! McClane shoots his shoulder and the bullet goes through into the bastard chest of Thomas Gabriel. And that people, is how you save the day. Of course McClane's very badly hurt but he'll be fine once they remove the bullet. Lucy runs over to him and Matt does something, it escapes me now, but it was good!

My God, I didn't think he was going to say it! But he did!
The film finishes with a touching moment with McClane talking to his daughter in the back of an ambulance. "Is he going to be okay?" she asks. "He'll be fine; he might die of shock on the way to the hospital though" jokes McClane. McClane then goes over to Matt Farrell and gives him permission to bang his daughter whilst giving him a look of "you're alright kid!" Then he goes back over to Lucy. She asks "did he say anything about me Dad?" of course he did, but it's not McClane's style to say so.

And that concludes my review of the film. So all in all lovely stuff, I give it an almost top rating of 9 out of 10 yippie-ki-yay's. It would have been 10 but there wasn't any love making and Bruce didn't get his guns out. Plus I wanted Matt and Lucy to at least kiss and/or fondle.

(9/10) I don't even like action films.

The Message.
I got this message from


I've just came across your profile. Very nice pictures! I entered a contest last week at they are looking for some models for there products launching in the summer. You should enter!

Take a look at the site see if you're interested. Enter if you would like to!

Let me know if you enter so I can watch out for you :o)

I take it he means my pictures for com-mag--a fictional magazine about communist fashion. Well, I'm honoured. I have to say I never thought I had the potential to become a model, I always thought my eyes and nose were too big and I sort of have this big hair thing going on which isn't too popular in today's fashion, but now I think I might be able to make it! I could be like that speedo guy who swims into some women's boat and makes love to her right there in the boat! There's so many things wrong with that. For starters the boat would probably tip up and secondly he's wearing speedos, plus, you'd probably get splinters rolling around in a wooden boat. That's what sex is isn't? Rolling around? I hope people know what advert I'm talking about.

Jack's FAQ's
Thanks for all your questions people. I'm sorry but I can't return your drawing s but any that are shown on my blog will receive a goody bag. No, this is a myspace quiz, I've thrown a couple in for effect! Oh boy they're fun.

What way do you face when you sleep?
I stare up at the celling, with my eyes open.

Pork, Beef Or Chicken?
Right now, nothing.

What do you look for in the opposite sex?
A pulse.

Best feature?
I have really good hands. They are pretty thin but seriously it's my only feature I'm happy to show others.

What do you wear to bed?
Manchester United pajamas.

What does your desktop look like?

Why do you appear on your own msn list?
I just do.

What red themed song is better, Lady In Red or Red Red Wine?
Lady In Red, it captures the exact moment when Chris de Burgh became more God than man.

What's your favourite computer game?
Errr, Final Fantasy 7.

Jodie Marsh or Jordan (Katie Price)?
Jordan. She's a loving Mum now, Marsh's got nothing. Her nose physically scares me as well. To be honest they both really scare me.

Favourite children's program?
I'd love to say Incredible Games but I've got to go with Aurthur.

Do you like someone?
Lady friend? Sure, I like anyone who shows any interest what so ever in me. Ladies?

Have you had sex in a movie theater?
A cinema, it's a bloody cinema!

Do you work out?

Do you smoke?

Do you drink?

Do you collect anything?
I have a lot of coins.

Thongs or french knickers?
I don't know, is this what I wear? or...I don't know, I'm not entirely sure what french knickers are. I try not to wear womens underwear.

Favourite program?
The Simpsons, Seinfeld at a close second.

Favourite drink?
I don't really have one.

Favourite food?
I don't really have one.

Do you hate someone?
I'm not sure I hate someone. I don't like a lot of people though, I dislike more than I like.

Dream car?
I don't like cars.

Okay I'm bored of this now. Thanks for reading.

15 Jul 2007

Just some ideas I had kicking around. Thanks for everyone involved in the making of these films, that's the two Bens and GroovyGal. Love ya x x x.

Dreamseed: Peter Branstone is a twat. He lives alone and eats solid blocks of cheese for lunch. Then one day he discovers a purpose. This summer join: Jake Loman, Stevie Sticklewell and Bruce Smith for the journey of a lifetime. Walt Disney Pictures presents: Dreamseed. Rated PG. Because sometimes a man must plant his dream-seed into the dreams of a thousand children.

Moonman: In a world where love is unknown. There is one moon and a whole lotta men! Harrison Ford stars as Danny Moon, a moon fanatic from Chicago, Illinois. Danny looks at the moon every night, but then one night he discovers that sometimes the moon smiles in the hearts of every man. This fall, we invite you to come along and enjoy the film critics are calling "inspirational" because when a moon is full the souls that sound it's distant cry responds for love. Rated U.

Boner: The funniest film of the year! When four friends take a road trip to London, the guys from Englandbourough high school, find that chicks dig boner! So please, join Tim (the slacker), Jack (the weird one) Budd (the geek!), and Ralph (the jock!) on a journey of discovery and road trip that promises to give you boner! It's got Tits! Dicks! Pricks! Kicks! and plenty of great big bouncing bloody tits! Did I mention tits! It'll have you in stitches!

Pigflame: When a pig can no longer use his flame, he must go on a quest to retrieve it. Join Snorty, Pobo and Rumpy as they find the secret of the flame, and sometimes the flame that you search for only ignites when you find that destination of your heart, and sometimes you'll the find that the flame was with you all along. So be first to enter the magic of Pigflame, coming soon.

Lady In Red: The idyllic summer's day that became a nightmare of fear and blood. When the sun goes down, sometimes all we have left is our sanity. Universal pictures presents: the most horrific film of the year. Starring Chris De Burgh and Sandy Koufax, Lady In Red. Because sometimes we don't know what's out there.

7 Jun 2007

My recent experience with charity.
A few weeks ago I was stopped in the street (just outside of the Bristol hippodrome) by one of those guys with the blue jackets on. I had some time to kill. Nowhere to be, no people to see, so I thought I'd hear him out. I assumed he was after my money and I was expecting for him to show me some horrific pictures and there, I hand a five pounds over, but that didn't happen :(.

So, after gulping at a bunch of Russian children with cuts and bruises on their faces I felt in a giving mood. He asked for my credit card details, and of course, naturally I handed them to him. He kept shaking my hand and telling me what a great guy I was. I felt like Richard Hammond! Then as I walked away, I began to doubt signing up for a £5 a week donation. Worst yet I had no idea what I was donating to. After racking my brain I was convinced the charity was called "Easy Child".

Worried I was funding a child molesters haven, I decided to cancel the direct debit. I paid the first month then cancelled online. Then several weeks later I got a letter through the post from a charity called "Every Child". "Dr. Jack.: We're writing to you to congratulate you on your generous donation...". After reading a letter that basically called me the greatest human being ever to walk this earth, it closed with the line, "However, we are aware you may have cancelled your direct debit". I'm sorry "Every Child" but 5 pounds a month is a little bit too much for me. Well, I don't know what's happened here, I felt a lot better when I didn't give to charity, now I feel like a monster. I guess I gave £5 to charity, that's good isn't it? So, basically little Sasha wont get her £5s a month; now she may not be able to go to school....Sorry.

I hope that didn't sound insincere because I am genuinely feeling bad about the whole thing.

Neighbours: That's all folks.
Neighbours is moving to Five, so I've decided to write an ending for the show, because lets face it, who's going to watch it on Five?

The final scene is Nina (Delta Goodrem) playing the theme tune on a piano (presumingly in some sort of Neighbours heaven), then Harold walks over with his Tuba and starts to jam. Kylie and Russell Crowe walk in and start singing, followed closely by Jack (I'm addicted to dancing) Skully, Sarah (Carl's floozy) and various other members of the cast.

Eventually they all start dancing and the song increases in tempo, Boyd back flips in to sight and performs some sort of urban dance. Stingray runs into view and tries to copy Boyd's dance but he's clearly rubbish.

On come the ladies, all the Neighbours hotties from over the years march on in their underwear and the camera turns to see Carl's reaction, he's quickly nudged by Susan who gives a, "What is he like, look." Then Paul (the one who likes the band Battery Acid) joins the cast playing a dual electric guitar solo with Lance.

Finally the song climaxes with timpani and fireworks. The scene that finally ends Neighbours is Bishop sweeping up after the cast have performed their number. He looks in the camera (possibly for the first time ever); tuts and rolls his eyes before continuing with cleaning up. Then Toady runs on and winks at the camera. The End.

Myspace: Quiz.
I enjoyed the last Myspace quiz so much, I've decided to take another. This one tells you what type of person you are based on the letters in your name. I really hate my last name, it's too loud, I'd prefer a nice quite last name like Smith, I can guarantee Smith would be a great person.

Choose the letters in your last name.
S : you're loyal to those you love (Yes, I'd agree with that)
H : you have a very good personality,looks and, are a very good kisser (Well, gee thanks, not sure that's true though)
A : you like to drink (Not really, I don't drink much at all, I enjoy drinking though) R : fuckin Crazy (No, I'm not crazy) P : you are popular with all types of people (Definitely not true, I'm popular with a small group of people, I think)

According to that I'm a great guy, I'm mad me. In fact every name is positive, the only negative letter seems to be "Q : you are a hypocrite". Poor Quinn.

My girl band: Be my babies.
On a completely fictional note: I've started my own girl band! A bit like The Supremes, The Ronettes and The Shangri-Las. I fancy myself as a Phil Spector type person; I write and produce the songs as well as tell them what to wear, say and be. It's great idea, if I do say so myself and of course, I'm going to be a total Phil Spector, by that I mean being completely

So, my first step was to hold auditions to get my girls. I put up a few posters around college and then had the nerve to sit in a room and tell the people who actually turned up, they were crap. In the end I settled on three girls and after legally changing their names to: Toni, Susy and Angel, I came up with the name, "The Crayolaettes", named partly after my favourite brand of crayons.

Once the band were formed we went through a few songs that I'd written for them. Amongst them: glitzy ballad, "He Cried For Your Love", and the up tempo, "You Cheated, You Gonna Die!". To tell you the truth, only Angel could nail the vocals, so I just got her to do it all.

After we got the single recorded, "No Way Sista!", we worked on some promotion. I rang up a few members from the big girl groups at the moment, I'm talking: The Bananaramas, The Spice Girls, The Steps and told them to watch themselves because there's a new group in town. Then the girls did a few photo shoots and that's pretty much it. I'm currently waiting to hear back from a few labels but I'm pretty positive, we've got the deal.

Paul Danan: Test drive my girlfriend.
Come on Paul! Try her out!

Watching this video actually offends me. I'm not sure if it's the naked child's body or the face on top of it but it actually makes me feel sick. Why on earth would any girl on the planet agree to be 'Test Driven' *cringes* by Paul Danan? I mean, how does the conversation go? And what does test driven even mean? The thoughts that phrase conjure in mind -- well, it's disgusting. If you're lucky enough to have a girlfriend, don't ask her to go on dates with Paul Danan, I can't imagine that conversation would be too good and why would the guy want to sit there and watch Danan necking (or even more) with his girlfriend? I'm not sure why I despise this man so much, is it the fact that he's a complete twat, or is it because he doesn't seem to realise it?


At 2:38 this video gets good. I'm probably just very bored but I found the "LOOK AT YOU! LOOK AT YOU!" bit hilarious. That's the sound of a man going through a crisis. If I ever loose it -- and some day I probably will -- I want to sound like Danan shouting "LOOK AT YOU! LOOK AT YOU!". Wow what a sound.

".....sorry mum language...but the guy is a prick." - That line actually made me laugh out loud. Not that I support Sophie Anderton at all. I'm just reading the comments for this video. "Total self obsessed cunt, but i would love to boot her back door in!! haaaaaaaa" - muheherhoher. I'm confused, is that a euphemism that I'm unaware of or does he literally want to kick her back door in? Actually applying that term to other things makes things a lot clearer, I think I've just been educated by youtube.

Thanks for reading.
Thanks for reading, if you actually read all that, I really like you. Please Dan, no "lol u hav 2 much time on yis ands" because I wrote this over the space of about a month, sparing five minutes here and there. I'll level with you, I thought my blogs were shit until I read a couple of my friends blogs. Christ what a bunch of self obsessed goons! I'm joking of course, I enjoy them all. Sorry, I've really babbled on haven't I? Sorry, bye, thanks.

14 May 2007

Introduction: "Look I'm doing it!"

I apologise for the poor spelling and missing words. I wrote this out in word and this awful myspace thing really hacks anything you paste in to bits.

Dear Reader:

I've decided to create some sort of structure with this blog entry rather than writing any ol' bollocks in any ol' older. I think this entry shows are far less misanthropic side of myself, a side that likes poetry puppies and potpourri. I'll be talking about: All About Me, Hollyoaks, Torrents, my ever growing popularity, Neighbours and much more. I'll also be talking about one of my favourite songs and showing off my poetic ability whilst paying homage to John (mummy what's that sticking out of that man's trousers?) Snow. Really this blog is a cross between, what might come out if I had therapy and my thoughts on TV, music and anything else people don't really care too much about. Basically a blog for people who watch lots of TV but then tell people, "Oooh I don't watch much television, I prefer having a life". Unlike myself who openly confesses to having no life and watches a huge amounts of crap TV.

Neighbours: Gone Wild!

"Sexy Steiger", as "Zeke (check out the knockers on that thing) Kinski" once so bluntly put it, has been kissing loveable floosy "Rosetta Cammeniti". That sounds a little odd but basically there's some girl on girl action in Neighbours...again!

It's been a couple of years since Sky and the Canadian girl kissed, so why not have another lesbian kiss? This time it's a little more "Girls Gone Wild" rather than, "Christ, am I aloud to watch girls this young kissing?". The clip is available for all you red blooded "lads" to watch at the bottom. Whey, girls eh?

It might just be my inferior male instincts again but, girl on girl action really doesn't do much for me. I can sort of see why it might appeal to people but it's not my cup of tea. For starters two girls aren't better than one, it's just another girl you have to embarrass yourself in front of. I assume that's the attraction, the fact you might sleep with two girls, am I right? Or do the readers of Nuts and Zoo just like to watch girl on girl kissing and fondling? Girls don't like guy on guy action right? It seems like the lesbian community are hailed as some sort of super-sex-goddesses, while the gay community are seen as a bunch of camp tossers who like anal sex. I'm not sure but is it necessary for gay people to preform anal sex? Maybe they don't like it, ever thought of that? You homophobes!

Anyway, I digress. I recently told a close friend of mine "Cor, I say, that new actress portraying Lolly is jolly pretty, I wouldn't mind courting her kindly, then proposing marriage, before finally preforming acts of sexual intercourse on her", to which he replied "Ugh she's mingin'". Well I think that's a bit unfair, she's a human being for Christ sakes! She's no Vanessa Feltz, that's for sure. She does look quite young though, that is worrying, and her character is really annoying and I didn't really pay much attention to her when I last watched so...yeah...

I think my problem is that I'm more attracted the unconventionally good-looking girls, basically not the sort of people who appear in Loaded or on Men (tits) & Motors (tits). I think I'm a dying bread, I'm not asking for a medal but come on, I'm one of the good ones! I'm openly liberal; I accept and treat everyone the same; I have no problem with red haired people or as they choose to be referred to as "Ginger People". OK, yes, I want a medal. Give me a medal.

Click Here For Kissing...

Click Here for a funny video some perverts made.

EDIT: OK Lolly isn't as attractive as I first thought, she's not unattractive though...

All About Me: Wheelchair Based Comedy's finest.

Several years ago a wheelchair based comedy featuring Jasper Carrott was broadcast. The show: "All About Me"; the aim to unite the human race, Asians and Brummys alike. Years later, it looks like it's worked. Racism – what was all that about? Remember that madness, thank God "All About Me" cleared that up. I'm only joking of course, you know racism is still very much a big issue? I did have a youtube clip to show but sadly I've lost the link. So, basically imagine the Asian child in the wheelchair typing, "Please let me die" into his electronic voice synthesiser whilst roars of canned laughter is heard, it was pretty much that, but with more Carrott....

I really bring this up because I'm interested to find out if anyone remembers this beaut. Someone brought this up a couple of weeks ago and I was amazed to find limited sources about the show on the net. I did however find a pretty funny article on the show.

Click Here

Portrait of a Newscaster: A Poem about John Snow

Newscaster eyes prey stories deep

From the presenting chair, to the widows weep

My favourite newscaster: John Snow leaps forth

From south of the globe to the lands of north

For Channel 4, he projects a voice

Overlooked by many, though the student's choice

As news may change, the man remains

Lost, spoken words, bound with chains.

Love you John....

Torrents: My Torrent Hell!

I'm not one for Torrents; in fact, if I'm truthful, they scare me. Compared to clicking on a link on a website to get "the goods", you have to download a tiny file and then wait for, what seems to be the longest loading bar in the history of loading bars, to fill with that glorious blue completion colour. I've tried many times in the past to download things using torrents and in the end the suspense tortures me so much, I end up deleting the torrent, along with the torrent program; eventually both agreeing on an armistice. However, a few weeks ago I decided I needed to watch the final two series of "Seinfeld" so I set off on the long and tedious task of downloading. To my surprise, it took no time at all! Well, it took about 20 hours, but to be honest that's pretty good compared to how long I thought it would take. Anyway, after a brilliant mix-up with Internet service providers, "Orange", they've rewarded me with a 2.2 Mbps connection. Which is possibly crap, I don't know, but the Internet seems pretty much twice as fast. So, today I've decided to take the plunge once again and download "The Adam & Joe Show" in it's full glory and it's taking no time at all. So, I'm really quite glad. That's pretty much all I wanted to say on that....

Vince Guaraldi: Happiness Is

I'm sure you never watched "Charlie Brown" as a child. I certainly didn't -- well actually, I watched the 80's Charlie Brown with funky guitars and a far more avaricious Brown who danced the tune of "Come along with snoopy and blah blah blah", it was balls. Lately, I've been rediscovering the work of jazz pianist "Vince Guaraldi" who I first started listening to last Christmas. Vince Guaraldi's responsible for thousands upon thousands of children discovering Jazz. He sounds like a less complex "Dave Brubeck" but I actually prefer his work to Brubeck's. Guaraldi wrote/preformed the music for the original Charlie Brown and it's absolutely brilliant. His finest work has to be "A Charlie Brown Christmas" which is one of my favourite albums of all time. Don't be put off by the fact it's pretty much music for children, because it's great music. He writes great songs and all his work holds an element of unfamiliar nostalgia you can't really put your finger on. There's not really much filler in his work, it's pretty much all great but sadly if you want to buy it, you'll have to either download or buy on-line because I looked all around Bristol for his CD's and only found two CD's in the new Fopp, both of which I bought....The guy in the Jazz section in old fopp hadn't even heard of him, despite working in a bloody jazz section of a record shop.Here's

a few random clips of other people playing his songs or his songs set to other people's footage. There doesn't seem to be a whole lot of footage of him.

Skating (Sorry About This Crappy Video)

Christmas Time Is Here (Pretty Good Actually)

Linus and Lucy (Probably would have heard this before)

Sequestered Male Seeks Permissive Female...

I took one of those bulletin tests! It goes against all I stand for but it passed a couple of hours. I changed a few of the form entries because I didn't feel "Colour" and "Titz" were very good.

I hope I never have to post this in a newspaper.....

Age: Anything from 16 to 80 (older and it starts to get creepy)

Ethnicity: Preferably, Caucasian but I don't mind

Size: Smaller than me.

Intelligence: Smarter than me. Note: Not too smart. I don't want to feel working class now....

Body: Full working arms and legs. Note: If possible.

="">Hair Colour/Style: Dark/Brunette..Ah balls, I don't care.

Eyes: Again, working ones would be a plus.

Voice: Deep and booming....No, any voice, as long as it's not loud or annoying.

Bust: Pretty much classed as body...but I'm not really concerned too much about bust. Breast implants scare me a bit, so please none of those...please.

Lips: Lips? I guess normal lips...

Weight: Average, not too thin.

Funny: As long as she doesn't find people falling over funny, I don't care.

Seductive: Not bothered to be honest.

Quiet: To some extent.

Athletic: No. Athletic makes me think of Ms. Olimpia and steroids.

Smoker: Not keen on smoking but I don't really care.

Drinker: In moderation. None of this "Oh my god! I just had three WKDs I'm mashed! Haha" None of that. Pretending your drunk is even worst.

Observant: Oh, of course. Not to the point of obsessive though.

Other: Must sort of like me.

Well, I guess I should put this on the fire in a Marry Poppins-esque, dream come true thing but I don't have an open fireplace.

Hollyoaks: Titles

Last Friday I'd just watched the Simpsons. It was alright, but after watching that advert for unsigned artists, the magic really started.

As Bruce Springsteen once said, the snare shot in Like A Rolling Stone 'sounded like somebody had kicked open the door to your mind', and that's essentially the way I feel when I sit down Hollyoaks.

It opens with the blink of an eye, and what's this Russ?? Ah he's punching me! Then a zoom to some breasts! Then bright colours rush towards the screen in a powerful frenzy of sex. The pouting, the winking, the flesh! The theme tune speeded up beyond belief. Who would have thought it? There is a heaven, and it's in Chester! Homosexuality! Teen pregnancy! Abortion! Bereavement! Male rape! Date rape! Alcohol and drug abuse! That's what it's all about. The title sets the scene as gender symbols merge to create the title, "H?LLY?AKS". Then the credits reach ecstasy and explode in an orgasmic mess of "Gilly". You just know – for the next half an hour – you're in for the time of your life. Magic, it's like opening a fresh copy of Nuts magazine, it's beautiful.

Sometimes I wish I was a character in Hollyoaks. Then again I'd probably be like the geek character. The weird one who likes rockets and doesn't know what sex is. I'd probably get beaten up by "Rude Boy" from "Kerching" or Justin would throw eggs at me. On the other hand I could be Craig Dean's mate; I could have a short fling with his sister Stephanie or Cat girl. I could dump Cat Girl after I catch her attempting the ham-cake combo. Yeah, that sounds good. I'd be a cross between Bombhead and Les Hunter. I might even put miracle grow on my penis (a Bombhead stunt by the way, I'm not just saying it).

Thanks for reading. I bet you didn't read it all, did you? Sorry if I've offended anyone again. Actually, I'm not, you obsessive loon. Chris Zewe is God? God of what? You're a mess man! HAHAHA.

Sorry, again thanks for reading.

Here's a picture of Alan Carr.

*Shakes Fist*