Introduction: "Look I'm doing it!"
I apologise for the poor spelling and missing words. I wrote this out in word and this awful myspace thing really hacks anything you paste in to bits.
Dear Reader:
I've decided to create some sort of structure with this blog entry rather than writing any ol' bollocks in any ol' older. I think this entry shows are far less misanthropic side of myself, a side that likes poetry puppies and potpourri. I'll be talking about: All About Me, Hollyoaks, Torrents, my ever growing popularity, Neighbours and much more. I'll also be talking about one of my favourite songs and showing off my poetic ability whilst paying homage to John (mummy what's that sticking out of that man's trousers?) Snow. Really this blog is a cross between, what might come out if I had therapy and my thoughts on TV, music and anything else people don't really care too much about. Basically a blog for people who watch lots of TV but then tell people, "Oooh I don't watch much television, I prefer having a life". Unlike myself who openly confesses to having no life and watches a huge amounts of crap TV.
Neighbours: Gone Wild!
"Sexy Steiger", as "Zeke (check out the knockers on that thing) Kinski" once so bluntly put it, has been kissing loveable floosy "Rosetta Cammeniti". That sounds a little odd but basically there's some girl on girl action in Neighbours...again!
It's been a couple of years since Sky and the Canadian girl kissed, so why not have another lesbian kiss? This time it's a little more "Girls Gone Wild" rather than, "Christ, am I aloud to watch girls this young kissing?". The clip is available for all you red blooded "lads" to watch at the bottom. Whey, girls eh?
It might just be my inferior male instincts again but, girl on girl action really doesn't do much for me. I can sort of see why it might appeal to people but it's not my cup of tea. For starters two girls aren't better than one, it's just another girl you have to embarrass yourself in front of. I assume that's the attraction, the fact you might sleep with two girls, am I right? Or do the readers of Nuts and Zoo just like to watch girl on girl kissing and fondling? Girls don't like guy on guy action right? It seems like the lesbian community are hailed as some sort of super-sex-goddesses, while the gay community are seen as a bunch of camp tossers who like anal sex. I'm not sure but is it necessary for gay people to preform anal sex? Maybe they don't like it, ever thought of that? You homophobes!
Anyway, I digress. I recently told a close friend of mine "Cor, I say, that new actress portraying Lolly is jolly pretty, I wouldn't mind courting her kindly, then proposing marriage, before finally preforming acts of sexual intercourse on her", to which he replied "Ugh she's mingin'". Well I think that's a bit unfair, she's a human being for Christ sakes! She's no Vanessa Feltz, that's for sure. She does look quite young though, that is worrying, and her character is really annoying and I didn't really pay much attention to her when I last watched so...yeah...
I think my problem is that I'm more attracted the unconventionally good-looking girls, basically not the sort of people who appear in Loaded or on Men (tits) & Motors (tits). I think I'm a dying bread, I'm not asking for a medal but come on, I'm one of the good ones! I'm openly liberal; I accept and treat everyone the same; I have no problem with red haired people or as they choose to be referred to as "Ginger People". OK, yes, I want a medal. Give me a medal.
Click Here for a funny video some perverts made.
EDIT: OK Lolly isn't as attractive as I first thought, she's not unattractive though...
All About Me: Wheelchair Based Comedy's finest.
Several years ago a wheelchair based comedy featuring Jasper Carrott was broadcast. The show: "All About Me"; the aim to unite the human race, Asians and Brummys alike. Years later, it looks like it's worked. Racism – what was all that about? Remember that madness, thank God "All About Me" cleared that up. I'm only joking of course, you know racism is still very much a big issue? I did have a youtube clip to show but sadly I've lost the link. So, basically imagine the Asian child in the wheelchair typing, "Please let me die" into his electronic voice synthesiser whilst roars of canned laughter is heard, it was pretty much that, but with more Carrott....
I really bring this up because I'm interested to find out if anyone remembers this beaut. Someone brought this up a couple of weeks ago and I was amazed to find limited sources about the show on the net. I did however find a pretty funny article on the show.
Portrait of a Newscaster: A Poem about John Snow
Newscaster eyes prey stories deep
From the presenting chair, to the widows weep
My favourite newscaster: John Snow leaps forth
From south of the globe to the lands of north
For Channel 4, he projects a voice
Overlooked by many, though the student's choice
As news may change, the man remains
Lost, spoken words, bound with chains.
Love you John....
Torrents: My Torrent Hell!
I'm not one for Torrents; in fact, if I'm truthful, they scare me. Compared to clicking on a link on a website to get "the goods", you have to download a tiny file and then wait for, what seems to be the longest loading bar in the history of loading bars, to fill with that glorious blue completion colour. I've tried many times in the past to download things using torrents and in the end the suspense tortures me so much, I end up deleting the torrent, along with the torrent program; eventually both agreeing on an armistice. However, a few weeks ago I decided I needed to watch the final two series of "Seinfeld" so I set off on the long and tedious task of downloading. To my surprise, it took no time at all! Well, it took about 20 hours, but to be honest that's pretty good compared to how long I thought it would take. Anyway, after a brilliant mix-up with Internet service providers, "Orange", they've rewarded me with a 2.2 Mbps connection. Which is possibly crap, I don't know, but the Internet seems pretty much twice as fast. So, today I've decided to take the plunge once again and download "The Adam & Joe Show" in it's full glory and it's taking no time at all. So, I'm really quite glad. That's pretty much all I wanted to say on that....
Vince Guaraldi: Happiness Is
I'm sure you never watched "Charlie Brown" as a child. I certainly didn't -- well actually, I watched the 80's Charlie Brown with funky guitars and a far more avaricious Brown who danced the tune of "Come along with snoopy and blah blah blah", it was balls. Lately, I've been rediscovering the work of jazz pianist "Vince Guaraldi" who I first started listening to last Christmas. Vince Guaraldi's responsible for thousands upon thousands of children discovering Jazz. He sounds like a less complex "Dave Brubeck" but I actually prefer his work to Brubeck's. Guaraldi wrote/preformed the music for the original Charlie Brown and it's absolutely brilliant. His finest work has to be "A Charlie Brown Christmas" which is one of my favourite albums of all time. Don't be put off by the fact it's pretty much music for children, because it's great music. He writes great songs and all his work holds an element of unfamiliar nostalgia you can't really put your finger on. There's not really much filler in his work, it's pretty much all great but sadly if you want to buy it, you'll have to either download or buy on-line because I looked all around Bristol for his CD's and only found two CD's in the new Fopp, both of which I bought....The guy in the Jazz section in old fopp hadn't even heard of him, despite working in a bloody jazz section of a record shop.Here's
a few random clips of other people playing his songs or his songs set to other people's footage. There doesn't seem to be a whole lot of footage of him.
Skating (Sorry About This Crappy Video)
Christmas Time Is Here (Pretty Good Actually)
Linus and Lucy (Probably would have heard this before)
Sequestered Male Seeks Permissive Female...
I took one of those bulletin tests! It goes against all I stand for but it passed a couple of hours. I changed a few of the form entries because I didn't feel "Colour" and "Titz" were very good.
I hope I never have to post this in a newspaper.....
Age: Anything from 16 to 80 (older and it starts to get creepy)
Ethnicity: Preferably, Caucasian but I don't mind
Size: Smaller than me.
Intelligence: Smarter than me. Note: Not too smart. I don't want to feel working class now....
Body: Full working arms and legs. Note: If possible.
="">Hair Colour/Style: Dark/Brunette..Ah balls, I don't care.
Eyes: Again, working ones would be a plus.
Voice: Deep and booming....No, any voice, as long as it's not loud or annoying.
Bust: Pretty much classed as body...but I'm not really concerned too much about bust. Breast implants scare me a bit, so please none of those...please.
Lips: Lips? I guess normal lips...
Weight: Average, not too thin.
Funny: As long as she doesn't find people falling over funny, I don't care.
Seductive: Not bothered to be honest.
Quiet: To some extent.
Athletic: No. Athletic makes me think of Ms. Olimpia and steroids.
Smoker: Not keen on smoking but I don't really care.
Drinker: In moderation. None of this "Oh my god! I just had three WKDs I'm mashed! Haha" None of that. Pretending your drunk is even worst.
Observant: Oh, of course. Not to the point of obsessive though.
Other: Must sort of like me.
Well, I guess I should put this on the fire in a Marry Poppins-esque, dream come true thing but I don't have an open fireplace.
Hollyoaks: Titles
Last Friday I'd just watched the Simpsons. It was alright, but after watching that advert for unsigned artists, the magic really started.
As Bruce Springsteen once said, the snare shot in Like A Rolling Stone 'sounded like somebody had kicked open the door to your mind', and that's essentially the way I feel when I sit down Hollyoaks.
It opens with the blink of an eye, and what's this Russ?? Ah he's punching me! Then a zoom to some breasts! Then bright colours rush towards the screen in a powerful frenzy of sex. The pouting, the winking, the flesh! The theme tune speeded up beyond belief. Who would have thought it? There is a heaven, and it's in Chester! Homosexuality! Teen pregnancy! Abortion! Bereavement! Male rape! Date rape! Alcohol and drug abuse! That's what it's all about. The title sets the scene as gender symbols merge to create the title, "H?LLY?AKS". Then the credits reach ecstasy and explode in an orgasmic mess of "Gilly". You just know – for the next half an hour – you're in for the time of your life. Magic, it's like opening a fresh copy of Nuts magazine, it's beautiful.
Sometimes I wish I was a character in Hollyoaks. Then again I'd probably be like the geek character. The weird one who likes rockets and doesn't know what sex is. I'd probably get beaten up by "Rude Boy" from "Kerching" or Justin would throw eggs at me. On the other hand I could be Craig Dean's mate; I could have a short fling with his sister Stephanie or Cat girl. I could dump Cat Girl after I catch her attempting the ham-cake combo. Yeah, that sounds good. I'd be a cross between Bombhead and Les Hunter. I might even put miracle grow on my penis (a Bombhead stunt by the way, I'm not just saying it).
Sorry, again thanks for reading.
Here's a picture of Alan Carr.
*Shakes Fist*
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