Lately I've been experiencing bad stomach pains after eating the insides of can labeled: "Stag Dynamite Chili." My God, that was hot, it took me 2 hours to eat and 9 pints of water. Most people would have thrown it away but not me, I'd cooked it, and considering the starving African children I made myself eat it all. See, I did it for them, those dieing kids who'd no doubt love a bowl of dynamite chili. My mother came home to find me collapsed on the floor, with what looked like tears streaming from eyes. I spent most of the night clenching my stomach in pain whilst watching various treats on ITV 4, my new favourite channel. I don't even like chili very much.
The Clunes-Milking-Cow Incident 24 & 30
So, imagine going on holiday and setting up your tent in any ol' field, because that's exactly what Martin Clunes and Fay Ripley have done. With absolutely no respect for the poor farmer who owns the field, they think, because they're big TESCO celebrities, that gives them the right to pitch their tent in a farmers field. Why Clunes and Ripley are sharing a tent, I just don't know. Last I heard they were both happily married but that not what bothers me. If pitching a tent in a farmers field isn't bad enough, Clunes decides to go milk one of his cows, probably in protest! "I'm going to find a cow" says Clunes as he heads down the hill to torment a cow. Luckily he spots a TESCOs before he harasses the poor beast and he ops for a more dignified way of getting his milk. If you notice, Clunes is still wearing his pajamas, thus looking like a mad man. He strolls into Tesco's takes milk off the shelf and heads back, no doubt to impress Ripley with his masculine cow milking skills. He pours the semi-skimmed milk into a sauce pan and hands it to Ripley. She takes a sip and remarks on who delightfully chilled it is, much to Clunes' disgust - he probably pissed in it. So many things are wrong with this advert, it just doesn't make sense. Why are Martin Clunes and Fay Ripley sleeping in a tent together? Why does Clunes walk into Tesco's in his pajamas? Why have they chosen to camp in a farmer's field when there are designated camping spots? And what gives Clunes the right to milk an innocent creature that isn't his? Errr Martin, I don't think you can do that, that cow doesn't belong to you, sort yourself out man, you're a mess. You too Ripley.
Does Calvin Harris Get All The Girls?
So, does Calvin Harris get all the girls or is he just a big fat lair? I consulted the song for the answer and believe it or not, it's true. But I thought I'd do some snooping into Harris' love life and find out if he's a ladies man or just a bragging cock. Well, he claims to like them Asian girls; he claims to like those black girls; he even claims to like them carrying a little-biddy-weight girls, but how much do we now about this Calvin 'Beetroot' Harris? Harris studied at Hortley school for the death, dumb and blind. He excelled at medicine and wood-work but he struggled in his lovemaking and necking classes. Girls took an instant dislike to Harris, he looked like James Blunt on acid with a carbon rod shoved firmly up his arse; Harris turned to music for help. Unfortunately Harris suffered from a condition know as Wankeristis which prevented him for having any musical talent whatsoever. One night Harris wrote a song called "The Girls" a song bragging about his success with women, the next day he played it to Sandra Brownstone, a girl carrying a little-biddy-weight, girl. She was instantly attracted to Calvin's teaspoon face and the two agreed to partake in intercourse. Weeks later Sandra sold her story to Zoo who printed the headline "Calvin Harris used a dead Chinese man in our love making." Of course, the story was true and attention of the article propelled Harris to the top of the charts, cushioned nicely in between Natasha 'lips-that-somehow-detach-from-her-face-when-she-speaks' Bedingfield and DJ 'Flip-Mole' Sammy, Harris was thrilled. In conclusion, Harris does not get all the girls, he's a liar. That sort of crap might have been acceptable in the 80's but not here, Harris. Up yours.
Calvin Harris: Getting Married...to a girl.
Does this man look like he gets all the girls?
Calvin Harris - The Girls
Jack's top five Tim's car tunes: Part 1.
1. Love Me For A Reason - The Boy's Zone.
Back in 1994, music was at an all time low; nothing had happened for several years and then Louis Walsh, a man constantly living in the shadow of Ian Brady, formed an Irish version of Take That, because of course, Irish + Take That = Better than Take That. Boyzone were a band consisting of four incoherent beasts and one gay: Ronan Keating, a man so tormented by his own genius, he feels the need to clamp his balls in a vice; Stephen Gately, half foetus, half haircut and a man so hounded by women he told the British public he was gay, just to keep them away; Keith Duffy, a man who can only communicate by grinding his teeth together and smiling like an Irish Jack Nicholson; Shane Lynch, a man who should have been Lynched along time ago for being the world biggest twat, he's just such a smug women beating prick, and the other one, what's his name? Mikey Graham, the one who wasn't a pervert, twat, gay or teeth grinding knob. "Love Me For A Reason" was the boy's first hit and it manged to reach number 2 back in 1994. The song was originally an Osmonds hit but Boyzone's version was a little bit different; a little bit shit said critics at the time, but the song's stood the test of time. It's an emotional ballad with overproduced hip hop drums and about a million key changes, just as the song starts to sound shit, bang! G flat! and another one G major! One more for good luck, Bang! I remember watching The Zone perform this on top of the pops all those years ago, I remember Duffy standing a bit too close to one of those candles and there was this weird chaffing sound coming from Gately's nuts. Boyzone never really topped this one and I enjoy nothing more than cruising around Nailsea at night; throwing yogurts at road signs whilst The Zone blasts out of the distorted MicraS speakers. Boys, I salute you on this pop gem.
Lynch Me.
Just where those candles burns, that's where I want to go.
More Tim's car songs next blog!
DVD Recommendation Of The Week: Euro Trip
Critics slated Euro Trip for it's lowbrow humour and awful script but their opinions doesn't matter, Euro Trip is great! Euro Trip took 3 men to direct, it's that good!! And it's got loadsa boobs to look at and stuff. The DVD only helps add to the viewing experience with extras such as "Eurotrash" and the fantastic "Boob-Cam." I suggest you watch with low hopes because you won't be disappointed. 8/10
Transformers Review: It's about as good as a movie about Robots that change into cars can be.
Last night I watched Transformers in the cinema. Obviously, I didn't go in with high hopes, although a lot of reviews I've just read seem to suggest people go into this film believing a movie called 'Transformers' could possibly my the greatest film ever made, as if the makers of the film have missed the point completely. These people are morons. It's about as good as a movie about Robots that change into cars can be. I wasn't expecting much but it was decent enough and I was impressed with Shia LeBouf; I thought he gave a good performance. The overly-long fight at the end was tedious but the film as a whole wasn't bad. I'm not sure what people were expecting when they went to see a film called 'Transformers' but I went in with low hopes and I thought it was alright, even under the direction of Michael Bay, who's just the biggest knob.
Megan Fox demonstrating some fine acting here.
I felt the films divided into two sections, the teen movie part at the start and a big long Michael Bay fight scene at the end. The teen movie part is about a guy called Sam (Shia LeBouf) who buys a car that happens to a be camp transformer called Bumblebee, bare with me. He meets a popular girl from school who suffers for a rare disorder, branding her personality completely obsolete. Despite that, she remains quite likable all the way through through the film, possibly because she runs around wearing low cut tops and avoiding explosions. There are loads of cheesy lines in the film like "fifty years from now, when you're looking back at you life, don't you want to be able to say you had the guts to get in the car?" Which is a line I regularly use with girls, I don't get much success with it though. I wont bother explaining the rest of the plot to you because it's tedious to explain but the last 20 minutes or so is just one big long fight scene.
I think Transformers was a decent film, I was wondering how they were going to tackle the subject of robots that change into cars but they did it as well as one could. It was perhaps a bit too long, it could of done with out the fight scene and Michael Bay's ridiculous direction but nevertheless, a decent effort.
7/10
Cinema Guy: "Whey Ave it!"
As the film started, a guy behind me happened to laugh at everything in the adverts. I was sat on the second from back row on the second seat closest to the wall. We sat through trailers for 'Superbad' which had Michael Cera, who plays George Michael Bluth from 'Arrested Development' in it. For an American Pie-esque teen movie, the film didn't look too bad and I think Michael Cera is a great comedy actor, if only for his role in 'Arrested Development'. Of course the guy behind me found the trailer hilarious. Then 'The Simpsons Movie' trailer came on, instantly I heard "Oh yes! I love The Simpsons" as if it were some obscure cartoon only himself and a handful of people knew about. He quoted the whole trailer and loudly quoted the spiderpig gag, which looks absolutely abysmal. As the film started he couldn't happen to pick up on everything, "she's hot" "mmm I'd tap that" "whey, ave it!" He was a fucking moron. After the film had finished he felt the need to sing along to the Linkin Park song in the credits - very loudly. I immediately turned around to see this buffoon, who was this giant knob? He looked just like I thought he would, much like a twat. He resembled a penis that had been run through a blender on the mutilate setting, then dunked in a bowl full of Dave Benson-Philips get your own back gunge. I decided to show him by snidely saying to Tim "what a terrible, God-awful song, this is embarrassingly bad" he shut up but what I said was lost on Tim, who said "ohmhom, huh?" Still, he walked out feeling less of a man than he did going in.
All in all, a giant twat. I'd give him a 9/10 for annoyance.
9/10
People On Myspace
I'm a little annoyed at the amount of people adding me on Myspace. Don't get me wrong anyone can add me, I'm happy to talk but when people add me, I leave a message and they don't get back to me, it's bloody annoying, and I don't want bands adding me. People who share similar interests with never add me, it's always complete morons with no personalities; just hair cuts. You know the ones, the profile with the pink writing, it's pretty illegible but if you highlight the text you can see they don't have any music preferences, they don't watch TV, they don't like films (But for some reason like going to the cinema) but they love to party. This is not my sort of person, we wouldn't be able to have a conversation, it would be awkward. The boys pages are pretty similar but instead of Pink illegible writing, they have blue illegible writing. Myspace gives people too much freedom with their pages, it means when you click home it sends you to some shit ad site and they've brutally shuffled their page so it's impossible to read. What do these people do? "Okay, almost done, how about shrinking the text a bit, adding in this thing stating I'm most like the joker in the batman films and one last finishing touch, disabling the home link and sending it to some ridiculous site." Do they think that looks good? The best myspace pages are the simple ones, where it's possible to read what the person's interests are, or at least be able to navigate around the page. I think most myspacers must just click pictures and decide if they'll be socially compatible.
Although I get a lot of requests from people like this I get a hell of a lot more from shit bands. Sometimes they're pretty good, I say pretty good because I'm yet to hear one I actually like. Perhaps I'm being to critical but why are bands adding people? Isn't it best to build a fan base out of people who like you rather than add people who like Radiohead because you sound a bit like them? In fact you sound just like Radiohead if they were playing Westlife songs.
Another huge myspace knob are the emotion people. I don't mean emo, I refuse to acknowledge the existence of 'Emo'. I mean the people who are completely self-obsessed wankers. The ones who post their thoughts and feelings in bulletin messages saying things like, "Sometimes, you just know it'll work, sometimes, it's not so easy" fuck off! That's nonsensical crap which means nothing to anyone apart from your avaricious self. It's not poetic, it's crap. These people clearly think they're morally and intellectually superior to the people who read their messages; they aren't.
Last but not least, people like myself. Constantly complaining about how shit myspace is, but they still use it. I'm pretty much the worst kind of myspace dick because I don't like many people. In fact I recon I like about 6% of people on the planet, everyone else likes Two Pints of Larger and a Packet of Crisps. Yeah, so I'm the last myspace knob, what a brilliant ending, you weren't expecting that were you? I'm so precarious, I'm almost on a par with the emotional myspace dick!
People Who Complain About Weather....
When the weather possesses no threat to your health or lifestyle (as such), then there's not need to complain about weather. Being soaked to through to your skin wont hurt you; rain's happened since the dawning of time. We live in a country where most days are overcast, accept, that's how it works. When your burning to a crisp and your skin is peeling, when you've got nothing to drink and when there's no shelter to shade you. When your house is flooding, when the thermometer hits deep into the minus scale, perhaps that would be a good time to complain, but for dullards who complain about weather that possesses no threat: Don't, it's just weather.
I'm Not There
A clip from the Dylan biopic "I'm Not There," soon to be released featuring Cate Blanchett as Dylan and David Cross as Alan Ginsberg.
View.
Thanks
Thanks for reading, I'll leave you with this.
Everytime I post a blog I get loads of ad request like this:
Who says "You know you wanna smack dat booty :D" It's true I do, but we can't be friends, sorry.
Thanks again.
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